Friday, December 01, 2006

Guest Review: Meijer Diet Drinks

Call me the Magellan of Diet Drink Explorers, but I have recently discovered the best collection of diet drinks available on the market today! At 1/3 the price and 3x the flavor, Meijer brand's Diet Grape and Diet Orange will not disappoint!

Not only does the Meijer brand of diet drinks leave the budget-tiered sodas (like Diet Faygo) whimpering in the corner like a scolded puppy that just peed on momma's new carpet-- but it also makes a bitch of the big boys, Messrs Coke and Pepsi.

How did I make this Darwin-esque discovery!? Well it all began about 2 months ago on a miserably rainy Sunday afternoon when I was restocking my shopping cart with diet drinks. To my panic, dismay, and RAGE-- Meijer was out of Sunkist Diet Orange! After reducing the stock boy to a bloody quivering carcass, I reluctantly took his dying advise and cautiously sampled the Meijer alternative. What soon ensued was an orgasmic explosion of guilt-free carbonated ecstasy!

Over the days and weeks that followed, I expanded my diet drink exploration into the uncharted territory of Meijer's Diet Grape. My initial reaction to this little sip of heaven was to proclaim my discoveries to the world!! -- but hence-- ever the scientist-- I wanted to ensure that MY discoveries would stand the test of time. So today I proudly declare-- after consuming countless gallons of Meijer brand Diet Grape and Diet Orange, that I remain free of cancer and other diet drink related side effects. But most importantly, Meijer's Diet Grape and Diet Orange are diet-drink burnout and aftertaste free.

But don't take my word for it! Meijer Brand Diet Grape and Diet Orange. Get it! Drink It! Love It!


T-Bone Magellan, IV
Guest Editorialist

P.S. Fan mail and letters of appreciation can be sent to my attention via the Dolf Zone. T-Bone Magellan OUT!


guh-bard said...

Try Stewart's Diet Root Beer and Orange 'n Cream. Pretty damn good.

Wrecking Machine said...

When I was in high school, we went through all the flavors of Faygo to find which one was the worst.

Diet Chocolate Cream Soda won that award.

Faygo Frosh tastes exactly like Diet Mt Dew, so if you like Diet Mt Dew, not only are you insane, but you can get it for cheaper by buying Faygo Frosh.

Faygo Root Beer and Diet Root Beer tastes quite good. I think they stole the formula from someone else.

Dolf said...

I'll try the Stewart's. And I love the chemically crafted taste of Faygo Frosh. I bet it glows in the dark.

I agree with T-Bone about the quality of the Meijer diet drinks...

For some reason, I want to run out and try the Diet Chocolate Cream Soda.

MattyP said...

Diet soda is the Devil's drink.

Anonymous said...

Not everyone can be as *thin* as dolf.

Anonymous said...

How dare you claim glory for what I turned you on to some six months ago!!!! And I KNOW you know who this is. You even mocked me for citing the value aspect of my discovery!!!! I say: APOLOGIZE!!!! For you are a hoax, sir!!!!

Dolf said...

And not everyone can be as *retarded* as anonymous... What part of "Guest Review" don't you understand? Or perhaps the signature "T-Bone"?

Basically what I am trying to say is I didn't write this article you moron! Thus, your anonymous (and stupid) jab makes no sense. Out, D

Dolf said...

To anonymous II, I do know who this is and I assume you are smart enough to be directing your question to T-Bone and *not* me.

Anonymous said...

My dear, dear Dolf. Of course I'm directing this at TJ. And thanks for assuming I was smart enough to know that. I also assumed since he "guest" reviewed it was likely he'd be back to check on any comments. So take it down a thousand. I think that comment by "anonymous I" got you a little bit rattled. Take it down a thousand.

Dolf said...

If I "took it down a 1000", I would be at -1000...

I ain't rattled ya'll. I'm just keeping it real on that sucka's punk ass... Ain't no thang...

Wrecking Machine said...

"I keeps it real. I don't like when people be playing on my blog."

-- Dolf

Anonymous said...

Dear Anonymous II,

How dare YOU try and undermine my legitimate claim to glory! I will not be rattled-- for I, (and my dear Dolf) know ME to be the true and rightful discoverer.

I posit-- if it was you, then why didn't you publish your findings or make them known to others? YOU sir are the FRAUD!!!!

I suppose you also discovered gravity? Electricity? The cure for Polio? Maybe you're responsible for the invention of the internet?

Go back to whatever rock you crawled out from under and ROT!

Good DAY!!!
T-bone Magellan

Anonymous said...

Methinks I dug out the true "moron". The real "anonymous". The true "FRAUD". It is none other than the "Guest Reviewer" himself.

He was hiding and rotting under a rock waiting about 6 months after I clued him into the Meijer brand of diet sodas to claim himself as the discoverer. That's just like him to do that. After all, it was about a year after I showed him my business plan for an upscale childcare center/single mother dating resource/fresh out of highschool cute girl resource that something peculiarly similar popped up in Mason.

So let this serve as a warning: Keep safe all potentially money-making business ideas, vulnerable women/girls and snacks. For something dark is lurking out there looking to snatch them up and claim as his own.

Good day to you, sir...


Anonymous said...

Dear Anonymous II,

Thanks for the props!! I'm sure most of the loyal DolfZone readers just became acutely aware that your motives are that of JEALOUSY, and therefore less than pure of heart!

To warn: "Keep safe all potentially money-making business ideas, vulnerable women/girls and snacks. For something dark is lurking out there looking to snatch them up and claim as his own" enlightens everyone to your bias!

This weekend I shall pick myself up a bottle of cheap vodka and a case of Meijer's Diet Grape. I shall then concoct an ORIGINAL beverage to serve to whatever vulnerable "fresh out of high school" cute girl it will be this week, then we shall *laugh* at your ignorance while *soaking* in my hottub!!!!

Have fun watching your Tivo'd "Lost" episodes.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

T-Bone Magellan "The Pure of Heart"

Anonymous said...

I think my derisive comments have been misinterpreted by you, anonymous. Somehow, you've warped them into compliments.

Thusly, I've dug you out even further. And everyone is now more "acutely aware that your motives are ...less than pure of heart!"

Please, anonymous, I don't want to dig anymore. I'd like to leave you with the last ounce of dignity onto which I've allowed you to grasp.

I've already bid you good day, sir. GOOD DAY!

P.s. - ...keep grasping.

Dolf said...

Never in my life could I have imagined that a simple diet cola review would stir up such a firestorm. This is how wars get started! Please make it stop!

Anonymous said...

Dear Anonymous II,

I say let the readers decide!

Do you want jealousy and homosexuality to rein?? Or do you want *hot* fresh-out-of highschool girls to guide the way and win this diet-drink war?

T-Bone Magellan

Anonymous said...

You're playing the "you're gay" card, anonymous? Good one!

Anonymous said...

Dear Anonymous II

I stand for small town family values. I stand for patriotism and the good ole U.S. of A. I stand for educating our young and valuing our old. I believe in treating women with respect! I believe in God and beauty. And yes, I believe in quality diet drinks.

You on the other hand - support gay marriage. You support socialized medicine and abortion. You support more taxes. And yes, you support terrorism!

I'm afraid dear Anonymous II, that despite the 'anonymous' nature of this blog, that the "don't ask don't tell" policy of the military DOES NOT STAND HERE! And you and your hedonistic ways are NOT WELCOME!!!!


T-Bone Magellan "The Pure of Heart"

Anonymous said...

I stand for proper spelling.

MattyP said...

Um, WTF?

Hi Mee-Maw!

Anonymous said...

Meijer Diet Grape Soda is the answer!